Step One: Outside Influence (or Where do you hear these things??)

I’m all about picking up knowledge from wherever you can.  Education and cultural awareness are invaluable.  Unfortunately, the former has fallen prey to non-educators making education law, politics, and parents who would rather their kids be sailed through school instead of actually getting an education.  Cultural awareness has fallen victim to a general lack of quality “pop” to be aware of.

Pictured: Quality Pop-duh-doo

That being said, you have to be really careful what your young kids hear.  One minute everything’s fine, then suddenly they will say something offensive, vulgar, or just completely off the wall.  “Mom and Dad” get left looking dumbfounded while other parents look on with that “I can’t believe they say things like that around their child” expression on their faces.  All you can really do is stand there basking in the smug satisfaction that their kids will do the same thing to them one day.  That’s called Parental Karma, and it is a beautiful thing.

Sean is always saying something we are a little unprepared for.  Usually it’s just a harmless phrase like “You have GOT to be kidding me” or “Now you’ve got the hang of it!”  He has also picked up “What the What?”  That really could be a lot worse, but it’s only a step away.  I know where he got this one: Adventure Time.  It’s one of those shows on Cartoon Network that is so unbelievably weird that I love it.  I’m always up for Adventure Time when it’s on.  Hey, I’m picking up new lingo too!  It’s awesome to call somebody a “clump.”  I’m not sure why…probably just because Jake the Dog has the same voice as Bender from Futurama.

If I had a penny for every time someone went crazy hopped up on magical energy... I'd be Abraham Lincoln.

The best one yet came just the other night.  There is an outlet mall in our hometown, and we went to bum around for the evening.  As you walk in, they have this big fountain that kids use as a wishing well.  I have Sean a penny, and he tossed it in.  He said “My wish is to go to Heaven.”  That’s a wise wish, and one that requires the something that all kids have and all adults need more of: faith.  I was proud and reflective for the handful of seconds after he announced his wish.  Then came the follow up.  Sean looked at his mom and me and with a straight face said, “But first you’ll need to kill me.”  

Whaaaaaatttt?????????

It was hilariously morbid.  I had to explain that it was wrong to kill people, in fact God was so adamant about it that He officially commanded that we not do it.  Plus, while Heaven is by all accounts a pretty sweet place, he had lots to do before it will be time to go there.  Thankfully my answer seemed to satisfy him because he gave me his normal “Oh” and proceeded to ask why Banana Republic doesn’t sell bananas.  

  
It’s a relief to not have to conjure up my inner Charles Bronson just to grant wishes.  It would have it’s uses though…

Less annoying than a blue Robin Williams with a mustache that is twice as deadly.

Step One: Mother's Day (or Who's The Boss?) UPDATED 5/14/12

They say, "Behind every good man is a good woman."  That should probably end with "multiple good women" instead.  The influence the mothers in my life have had on me is immense, and the respect I have for them cannot be measured.  With Mother's Day upon us, I'd like to tell you about some of the women who inspire me, except of course for Stacy Keibler.  That kind of inspiration is not for Mother's Day.

Somebody had to Google Image search her, might as well be me.

Mom
There is no one on the face of the earth with more love in her heart than my mom.  Sometimes that love just makes you feel great, and sometimes it makes you feel like you're being smothered.  Even then, it's still good because she just wants you to be happy.  Thanks, Mom, for all you do.  You mean so much to me, and you've always been my greatest supporter.  One of my favorite songs is "Cinderella" by The Push Stars, and the second verse goes like this:

My mother filled my head with beautiful day dreams

Someday you'll be a king or the president

You know some days, I still believe her

But today I'm too busy trying to scrape up my rent.

Mother In Law

I don't think there is a more giving woman than my mother-in-law.  I'm proud to say we don't have the stereotypical "in-law" relationship.  I love her like my own mother and wouldn't trade her for the world.  If we ever need anything, she's on it.  She has Easter baskets and stocking stuffers for Sean ready before we even have time to think about it.  She also gave me my wife, which is pretty cool in and of itself.  Thanks and love to you, Johnna!  It's nice to have someone else who knows what I put up with around here.

Nanny

My grandmother is the picture of a military wife.  When she would come over to watch my brother and I when we were young, she would arrive with a sack of sausage biscuits.  As soon as we were done with our delicious breakfast, she would put us to work cleaning.  It was worth it just to have her there, not to mention the trips to Chuck E Cheese every time we stayed over.  She loves to have everybody over for a home cooked meal, and even though many of my friends' grandparents are slowing down, she and my grandfather still love to have a rambunctious four-year-old running through their house.  I'm very lucky to have her, so thanks, Nanny!  I love you!

Sisters In Law

I'm lucky enough to have two sisters-in-law that are not only great mothers, but super cool in their own right.  My wife's sister has been a sister to me for about 14 years now.  That's super weird to acknowledge that it's been that long by the way.  She is funny and beautiful, and her son has every bit of her coolness.  He's like a little brother to my son, which is like me having a second son of my own.  My other sister in law and my brother had a lovely little girl last year, which gives me a girl to spoil without having to have my own.  My bro continues to way out-class himself by not only finding somebody too cool to put up with him on a regular basis, but she got him to read the Harry Potter books.  That was something we had tried for years to get him to do.  Not only did she do it, but she got him into it so much that they named their daughter Hermione, which is awesome.  Cheers to my sister moms, which sounds like a creepy TLC show...

My wife

One day, after I picked my son up from school, my son asked me if he could do something.  I don't even remember what it was, only that it was not something I wanted to do.  We probably didn't even have time.  My answer was to tell him to ask his mom.  Sean looked me dead in the rearview mirror and said, "But you're the boss of mommy!  She's my boss and you're her boss because you're the biggest!"

So that's how you answer that question.

He doesn't know this yet, but it doesn't matter how big you are, how much you've been doing, nothing.  If she needs something, I'm doing it.  It's the least I can do.  She puts up with me, she works against all governmental odds to try and educate America's stupid youth, and oh yeah- she carried a human parasite around for 9 months that turned out to be my son.  Katie is the most beautiful, intelligent, determined, caring, adjective, adjective, adjective, and adverb with adjective person I've ever know.  I'm not just lucky to have her, I am truly blessed.  I hope I do enough to help my son appreciate her half as much as she deserves.  I hereby pledge to remind him often that Mother's Day and her birthday are coming up and he better not forget.  You've got to be asking yourself, "Wow, Curtis!  She sounds really great!  If only I could hear more about her!"  Well you're in luck.  In a shameless bit of spousal promotion, I highly suggest you go to her  blog Hems for Her.  She's way better at posting regularly than I am, she is part of the Blogger Brigade at Kiyanna, and her teapotting skills were featured in a German magazine.

Germans apparently love David Hasslehoff AND teapotting.

Happy Mother's Day to my favorite mothers and all the other mothers out there.  Heck I'll even wish that lady from the cover of Time Magazine a Happy Mother's Day.  Despite the fact that if he's old enough to ask, he needs to be eating hot dogs instead, and that he will never live this down, every mother deserves at least one day.  If you can, call your mom and let her know you love her.

One-Step Father Mother's Day Update

Let me give you a highlight reel of Mother's Day 2012...

Mother Nature must not have gotten a call from Little Billy Nature and took it out on us.

Sean stayed with my mother-in-law Saturday night, so Katie wanted to eat breakfast out on Sunday morning.  We were heading up our street on the way home, and she started saying "Oh my god...Curtis!....Look!....Oh My....Look!"  I didn't see anything crazy cross the road or whatever, so until we got a couple houses away I didn't notice that a massive tree in our yard had fallen (read: cracked in half under it's own weight) and fallen across our driveway.  The tree also took out our cable and power lines with it, not to mention our neighbor's lines.  Our neighbors, by the way, were out of town and didn't get back until about 4pm that afternoon.

So Katie, my mom, my dad, my grandfather, my grandmother, and I spent all of Mother's Day chainsawing the tree and hauling limbs.  All.  Day.  Power was back on that evening, and my family brought the lunch my grandmother had prepared with them.  Family celebrations should never involve that much labor, and I'm greatly indebted to everyone for all their help.  At least we'll have a story to be remembered.

Step One: Endless Love (or Bump, Grind, and Shake That Behind!)

My wife is a teacher, which is the hardest and most under-appreciated job that doesn’t involve being Jabba The Hutt’s proctologist.  

As part of her teacherly duties, she has the fun duty of chaperoning her school’s senior prom, and this year I got to go along.  Did I mention she teaches at the same high school we went to?  This is the tale of My Second Prom and how things can change from 1998 to 2012.

First, a little history.  Before I began to even think about my senior prom, my future wife had already insinuated herself as my date, an alternate, or my date for her senior prom.  I was fairly ambivalent towards prom at the time.  I don’t like to dance, and I’m not very good at it even if I did enjoy it.  I was pretty satisfied to just skip the whole thing until we started dating.  Frankly, I would have been happy to skip it anyway, but I wasn’t THAT stupid.  All I thought about was the overwhelming hassle of getting a tux, paying for an expensive meal, attempting to establish a rhythm, etc.  In other words, Don’t Hassle The Frost.

If only I could have taken her in KITT...

One day I went to her house, and she tried on her prom dress to show me.  Now this wasn’t one of those ludicrously gaudy numbers with glitter, sequins, and risqué cutouts.  It was simple, Alabama crimson, and hugged her in all the right ways.  AAANNNDDD… SOLD.  We had a good time.  We kinda danced, we ate some steak for dinner at a place so expensive I was compelled to eat the salad just to not waste a dime, and I didn’t get totally lost in downtown Birmingham.

Sweet sideburns!

The next year, I was at college, and Katie decided that she would skip her senior prom.  I was totally cool with that, so I gave her a mini-prom at my house.  I made a fine lasagna, we played music and kinda danced, and again a good time was had.  She also looked smoking in her dress, which again…SOLD.

Sweet chin beard!

Katie is now a teacher at the high school we attended, and as a reasonably responsible educator she has helped to chaperone the prom for the last couple years.  This year she asked me to go along.  I wasn’t particularly wild about going, but I’ve made an honorable woman out of her since high school so I thought I would take a shot at perhaps becoming a post-prom statistic if you catch my drift.  After her tales of last year, I was really expecting a writhing mass of flesh and underage grinding.  To my surprise, there wasn’t much of it.  Everything was pretty straight forward.  One thing the kids do get these days that we didn’t is a “Senior Walkout.”  All the seniors and their dates get announced to the rest of the barely interested attendees like they are something special.

It seemed a lot like this, for those that get the joke...

If there is one thing I’ve learned since high school, it’s that all the stuff we held so dear is completely and totally meaningless.  Once you’ve graduated, almost no one cares if you were the homecoming queen, head cheerleader, Mr Senior Class, whatever.  It’s a nice thing to have happened, but the further away you get from it the less anybody cares.  I won my 2^nd Grade Talent Show by playing the piano, wanna buy tickets to my concert at Carnegie Hall?  Want an autograph?

It’s going to be hard to not rain on my son’s parade when he gets into stuff like this.  Maybe when I’m the parent of Mr. Whatever Meaningless Title, I’ll see it differently.  Worrying about humility when he’s four may be looking too far ahead, but he’s already got an above-average sized cranium like his dad, so I can’t have him getting the egotistical Big Head.  It would just make matters worse.  I would have learned that years ago but I’m too cool to let all that bring me down.  I wonder what I’ll look like in another 30 years…

My head's already this big, so time to get a top hat!