|More fun than a kick in the jingle bells!|
|I will literally air anything.|
It really is crazy, and by crazy I mean this:
I watched their 2011 special a couple nights ago, and let me just give you a quick summary: Christmas conga lines, mildly racist skits about trucks of Hispanics, sound problems, pooping in the yard, singing that sounds like Kermit the Frog on a roller coaster, hefty belly dancers, atrocious guitar skills, autotune rapping on a flying tiger rug with whiskey, "ingesting cherry bombs", puppets in thongs, Christmas Doodle-Doo, singing with the help of spirits, fan dancing by the cabin on the snowy part of the moon, ghost chickens in the sky, a song about wetting your pants while standing in line, simultaneous dancing in Depends, retake snubs, congas that interrupt other skits, need I say more?
|According to the movie "Shutter", this picture shows the Ghost of Christmas Nightmares|
So what kind of traditions do I have? I'm a movie guy, so there are three movies I have to see every year: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, and Polar Express.
Christmas Vacation is one of the most quotable movies ever. In fact, I've spent most of December posting daily quotes on my Facebook page. For me, Cousin Eddie makes this move. From emptying his chemical toilet into a storm drain to pining about what a good cook the Yak Woman is, if Randy Quaid delivered this kind of gold every time he made a movie, he probably would have paid that hotel bill.
|Back when he had it all|
A Christmas Story is one of those movies that you really can't avoid anymore, which is fine by me. I can jump into the 24 hour marathon at any point and be fully on board with whatever part of the movie I get. It really speaks to a lot of the feelings many of us probably had about Christmas when we were kids. The excitement over the holiday itself, the frenetic planning for The toy, the frantic rush to establish oneself on the Nice List, the warm glow of electric sex in the window...we all remember those days. There was a new version of "the toy" each year. I can remember a few: Voltron, Starting Lineup figures, a bow and arrow, Super Nintendo, etc.
|The crushing defeat of the one I never got...|
It's a magical feeling to get what you wanted the most. It makes opening all the socks, sweaters, and pink bunny costumes worth it.
The Polar Express is the more sentimental of my Tannenbaum Trifecta. For those that haven't seen it, it's the animated tale of a young boy struggling to maintain his belief in Santa in a world where every adult male is Tom Hanks (which is clearly proof that Santa does exist).
|Santa loves milk, cookies, and Joe Versus The Volcano|
Traditions have changed some since I was a kid. We still visit Santa, drive around looking at Christmas lights, and shake all the presents, but now they've got this thing called Elf On A Shelf. This little guy, whom we named Petey, reports our household happenings to Santa, and magically comes to life at night to create elven mischief. I gotta tell you, it gets hard to come up with a new theme every night. Petey has ridden a tricycle, climbed the Christmas Tree, wrapped presents, flown a toy space shuttle, and even drawn a Christmas tree in the bathtub with green foamy soap. Now we're coming up a little empty. If you get online, you'll find several websites dedicated solely to elf pranks. As a parent, there's no thing more frustrating than perky, creative, and overachieving parents. When I get off work, all I want to do is sit on the couch. Apparently some people just want to wrap the tree in paper and put it on the roof.
|Oh, come on! Turning your elf into Ricky Bobby is just not fair!|
|That's the one.|