Step One: Holiday Traditions ( or I've Got A Raging Case of The Mistletoe)

'Tis the season to use the word "tis," which means Christmas is just a few days away.  I've got to be honest, I love Christmas.  Not as much as I used to, but that comes with the adult realization that the holidays are just a huge pain in the holly jolly butt.  When one has a four-year-old who is so ready for Santa he has been asking daily for weeks if tomorrow was Christmas, you gots to get your Christmas on!  The tree is up, the lights are on, the halls are decked, and the presents are wrapped, so let's talk holiday tradition!

More fun than a kick in the jingle bells!

Now for those who don't know, I cannot even begin to discuss Christmas without mentioning a Birmingham, Alabama, yearly tradition like no other: The Dean & Company Christmas Special!  For those that have never seen it, there are not enough words in English, Japanese, and Klingon combined to describe it.  Maybe you should just go to their website: www.dean-and-company.com.  Everything you see?  Exactly what I can't put into words.  If your family makes an insane Christmas Special each year, of course your website is going to have a carnie theme.  Did you have your speakers on?  What is up with the children screaming in terror playing in the background?  To circus music no less!  This couldn't be any creepier if they had a naked clown running through it with a handful of fish.  Let me channel my inner teenage girl and just say "W....T....F...."  Every year, they do this homemade extravaganza of yuletide acid trips on public access cable.

I will literally air anything.

It really is crazy, and by crazy I mean this:

And this:

And this:

I watched their 2011 special a couple nights ago, and let me just give you a quick summary:  Christmas conga lines, mildly racist skits about trucks of Hispanics, sound problems, pooping in the yard, singing that sounds like Kermit the Frog on a roller coaster, hefty belly dancers, atrocious guitar skills, autotune rapping on a flying tiger rug with whiskey, "ingesting cherry bombs", puppets in thongs, Christmas Doodle-Doo, singing with the help of spirits, fan dancing by the cabin on the snowy part of the moon, ghost chickens in the sky, a song about wetting your pants while standing in line, simultaneous dancing in Depends, retake snubs, congas that interrupt other skits, need I say more?

According to the movie "Shutter", this picture shows the Ghost of Christmas Nightmares

This is a family that is serious about their Christmas Tradition.  If you marry into, are born into, or live near The Deans, you are forcibly sucked into their North Pole Vortex, and somehow this family continues to grow!  I've literally watched one of the guys on this show as his soul dies a little more each year until he obeys every person in a "Sexy (insert profession or character here)" costume without question.  It all but conveys a candy cane version of the ear worm from The Wrath of Khan and, despite everything I have said, I would 100% absolutely be willing to participate in this show if I was ever asked.

So what kind of traditions do I have?  I'm a movie guy, so there are three movies I have to see every year: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, and Polar Express.

Christmas Vacation is one of the most quotable movies ever.  In fact, I've spent most of December posting daily quotes on my Facebook page.  For me, Cousin Eddie makes this move.  From emptying his chemical toilet into a storm drain to pining about what a good cook the Yak Woman is, if Randy Quaid delivered this kind of gold every time he made a movie, he probably would have paid that hotel bill.

Back when he had it all

Eddie may be my favorite character, but I really identify with Chevy Chase's character in this movie.  Like Clark, I too dream of a classic family Christmas, only to be overwhelmed by the Holiday madness once it arrives...and also I am usually mesmerized by boobs (if that offends anybody, let me just say "Sorry, Mom").

A Christmas Story is one of those movies that you really can't avoid anymore, which is fine by me.  I can jump into the 24 hour marathon at any point and be fully on board with whatever part of the movie I get.  It really speaks to a lot of the feelings many of us probably had about Christmas when we were kids.  The excitement over the holiday itself, the frenetic planning for The toy, the frantic rush to establish oneself on the Nice List, the warm glow of electric sex in the window...we all remember those days.  There was a new version of "the toy" each year.  I can remember a few: Voltron, Starting Lineup figures, a bow and arrow, Super Nintendo, etc.

The crushing defeat of the one I never got...

It's a magical feeling to get what you wanted the most.  It makes opening all the socks, sweaters, and pink bunny costumes worth it.

The Polar Express is the more sentimental of my Tannenbaum Trifecta.  For those that haven't seen it, it's the animated tale of a young boy struggling to maintain his belief in Santa in a world where every adult male is Tom Hanks (which is clearly proof that Santa does exist).

Santa loves milk, cookies, and Joe Versus The Volcano

This boy boards a magical train that takes him and several other kids to the North Pole, and bit by bit his faith is restored.  Just like in this movie, Santa Claus is a pretty big deal.  That's why I always say "hi" when I see him in Wal Mart.  The big guy hooked me up for years, and now I need him to visit my son with the same level of generosity.  He's one slick old elf, that's for sure.  No matter how many times my brother and I sneaked to the tree, we could never catch him.  Somehow we were always early because the goods never seemed to be there until Mom started to rouse.  We really did try everything: we ran in shifts, we negotiated sleeping by the tree, and we listened for sleigh bells.  No dice.

Traditions have changed some since I was a kid.  We still visit Santa, drive around looking at Christmas lights, and shake all the presents, but now they've got this thing called Elf On A Shelf.  This little guy, whom we named Petey, reports our household happenings to Santa, and magically comes to life at night to create elven mischief.  I gotta tell you, it gets hard to come up with a new theme every night.  Petey has ridden a tricycle, climbed the Christmas Tree, wrapped presents, flown a toy space shuttle, and even drawn a Christmas tree in the bathtub with green foamy soap.  Now we're coming up a little empty.  If you get online, you'll find several websites dedicated solely to elf pranks.  As a parent, there's no thing more frustrating than perky, creative, and overachieving parents.  When I get off work, all I want to do is sit on the couch.  Apparently some people just want to wrap the tree in paper and put it on the roof.

Oh, come on!  Turning your elf into Ricky Bobby is just not fair!

We're trying to give Sean traditions of his own.  We ask family to limit the number of gifts they buy for him to three.  If it was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for my son.  That gives us a tie-in between the true meaning of Christmas and the commercial meaning of Christmas.  We do the elf thing, he helps to decorate the tree, and he even has his own miniature tree in his room.  Some traditions I would like to start would just never work out the way I want them to.  Namely, I would love to hang mistletoe throughout the house in areas my lovely wife is usually in.  I would expect, though, that I would get the same look I get when I let her know I've got a beaded necklace handy if she feels like celebrating Mardi Gras.

That's the one.

No matter what, this is a special time of year, and I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas.  I hope you get time to appreciate your loved ones, reflect on your blessings, and get that special gift you've always wanted.  For those of you I get to see, I apologize if I don't have a beautifully wrapped gift for you.  I do have these beads though...

Mardi Christmas!!!